This evening was meant to be great.

I was going to some kind of private wine tasting at a very new friend's house. She's a painter and one of her friends, who works at the MET was also here, along with his "wine cellar" and the great bottles that go in it, and we drank some wonderful French wines, ate good food, talked about this and that.

At first, he was intriguing, somehow. I almost held out my hand to shake his hand when we met, but thought better when I realized he wouldn't shake it. I let it go, thinking he was not that kind of person.

To be honest here, I thought he was gay.

And despite everything that happened tonight, despite his behavior, despite his caressing my hair, touching me, and so on, I'm still not sure he's not gay.

But he has a daughter, so... :-s

And then, we started talking and everything, and next thing I know, he's close to me, touching my hair, holding my hand, doing so many intimate and tender gestures so that someone who would look at us from the outside would think we're a couple. Or best friends. And we're none of these.

 When my best friend holds me in his arms, there is nothing there but tenderness and some sort of affectionate love. And it's just natural. And he's my best friend. He knows every single things about me.

But what this guy did tonight was so intense, so intimate,.It was what I would expect from a boyfriend and it somehow took be aback at first.

Do I remind him of someone he knew/ knows? Is it pure / free tenderness (if that is still to be found in this world)? Is he expecting more? Is it his way of behaving? Is it how he is naturally when he likes someone? This was so weird, so strange. I didn't mind. But now, I wonder. Did I somehow play his game too?

Did he want more???

Did I make it look like I wanted more too? Do I want more?

Did I have too much wine?

I'm supposed to see him again at the Van Gogh exhibition that the MET is currently holding. We're supposed to go there on a Monday, when the museum is closed to the public and is only open to art dealers and artists. This would be such a great opportunity for me to see my favorite painter's drawings and finally go to the MET. I don't know why, but I feel weird. As if I had let things go further than what I actually wanted. As if they went out of hands. I'm so craving tenderness... This is so obvious. I don't think I would have let that kind of behavior happened normally.

And yet... what is normality?

I wish I had a boyfriend... Two months ago, I didn't want one. And now , I do. Is it because of the winter? Because of the season's holidays? Is it because I'm finally ready?

Am I just fooling myself? Again?

Anyway... It's way past bed time... I'd better go to bed...